The last link

Tags

child loss, death, depression, grief, heaven, love, mental health, suicide, suicide prevention

Everything you left behind is my last link to you

The unfinished drink in the fridge I can not brink my self to throw out

Your towel hanging in the bathroom that I will never wash

The L plate on the dash that I will never move 

All these things are my last link to you

Your favourite cereal in the cupboard that will never get finished

Your toothbrush and hair brush still where you left them

Your clothes in your washing basket still smelling of you

Your cd in my car I will listen to it now 

Your phone full of music and messages from me to you 

Jett these are all my last link to you

  

Forever in my heart xxxx

Mask

Tags

child loss, depression, grief, lies, mask, mental health, suicide, suicide prevention

Everyday as I walk out the door I put on my mask 

Why?

It’s to protect you 

Why? 

Because like that famous line

YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH

The truth, the truth is a nightmare, the worst horror movie you have ever seen and your worst fears all wrapped into one.

I wake up with tears in my eyes and emptiness in my heart, there is a lump in my throat and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I dreamed that death was everywhere I tossed and turned with nightmares again, the sheets were tangled and dripping with sweat. I dread the fact that I have to get up, I have to get up and go about my day, go to work and pretend I am stronge and that I am fine,I’m exhausted my body feels like lead, just picking my self up and getting out of bed takes all my energy and the day hasn’t even begun yet.

Every waking minute my thoughts are not far from what I have lost, what I will never have again and the horror of  seeing my son laying there gone.

I stumble through my day smiling at you pretending it’s good

I do my job, I laugh at your jokes

My heart is broken, I can’t do this anymore, I want to scream, I want to yell, I want to throw my self down and ask for help.

You ask if I’m ok I mumble yes then you rattle on about your worries and your cares, the problems that you have, problems that I really don’t care to hear about.

Your kids don’t appreciate you, I don’t care

Your car needs new tyres and you have no money, I don’t care

Your rent just went up or you spent all your money, I don’t care

Life is unfair you have to clean up the house and that mess,  I don’t care

I used to have problems and I used to have worries oh how I wish I had them again.

Is it home time yet? No! more hours to come, more people to see, I am so tired, can I cry yet or do I have to hold them in some more, how much longer do I have to pretend, pretend that I’m not dying inside and That I wish I was dead.

I’m finally home

I hang up my mask.

Forever in my heart Jett xxxx

  

A letter from a grieving mum

Tags

broken, child loss, depression, grief, longing, loss of a child, mental health, nightmare, saddness, suicide, suicide prevention

   

So far it is

Tags

adelaide crows, afl, childloss, football, grief, mental health, ocd, suicide, suicide prevention

Last week 

The day Jesus was resurrected 

And the Easter bunny comes

We sat down for our first Easter without you

It was the first game of the season for the Adelaide Crows (your team)

Adelaide played Melbourne

So here we were WA born and bred watching a South Australian team 

On the edge of our seats holding our breaths praying that they win

And win they did by 77 points

Adelaide 140 points to Melbourne 63 points finishing at the top of the ladder

You would of been so proud of your team 

Round 2 this week didn’t disappoint either with a win against Collingwood by 27 points

You told me not long before you left us that this year Adelaide will make the top 8 and that this is going to be their year.

And so far it is 

Will keep you updated on the stats tho I will not be as anal as you 

  

Love you Jett xxxx

Signs

Tags

anxiety, child loss, childl loss to suicide, grief, mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, suicide, suicide prevention

They say look out for the signs

Well it doesn’t matter how many signs you can see no one and I mean no one thinks that someone they love will take their own life.

It doesn’t even cross your mind

It is un thinkable 

It happens to other people right?

Sorry but it can happen to anyone, and it does, it doesn’t matter if you are:

Rich

poor

happy

sad

functional 

or dysfunctional 

If we see a problem we think they will be fine, it’s only a phrase or they will grow out of it.

We do not know what is going through anyone’s mind

So talk, be open and if you do notice any signs get help

Love you Jett xxxx

I asked for a song

Tags

childloss, grief, signs from heaven, signs from loved ones, spiritual signs

I asked for signs and you showed me 

Today in the car while talking away to you like I normally do I decided I too want signs from above to let me know you miss me.

I asked for a song 

Songs are popular signs so I have heard so I said I want to hear something I like, something I know is from you

I asked for Metallica, Linkin park or Greenday 

I do not know why green day but it popped in to my head

I pulled into IGA and told you to wait until I get back before playing me a song, I walk into the shop and Greenday was playing, definitely a coincidence.

I get back into my car just as a song on the radio is finishing and then the new song starts

I heard you crying loud- Greenday when you come around

Yes definitely a sign

Signs from above are all around us they come to us everyday

  

Visions- but these are rare

Touch- a gentle caress on your arm or on your hair

Smell- their favourite perfume, or scent, or even cigarette smoke 

Dreams- which I have already experienced 

Moving items-something with meaning 

The most common signs are feathers, coins or songs 

So please look for the signs as I know I will

  

I am the thread holding it all together

Tags

child loss, child loss to suicide, depression, desperation, lifeline, mental health, ocd, suicidal thoughts, suicide, suicide prevention

Zaylee wants to die 

She doesn’t see a future anymore 

My 15 year old daughter thinks life is not worth living

Zaylee has been wrestling with these thoughts months before we lost Jett her brother and best friend to a suspected suicide.

But now these thoughts have intensified to the point she wants to end it NOW.

I am trying so hard to keep it together and be stronge 

How can I be stronge when her dad comes over and tells her he wants to end it all too.

Her dad my ex husband told Zaylee who is struggling with suicidal thoughts that he wants to end it and that life is not worth living.

How am I ment to help her and show her life is worth living when her father is doing the opposit of what a father should be doing.

They have a plan 

They want us all to end it together

They are waiting for me to say yes but I can’t say yes 

I am the thread holding it all together.

Love you forever Jett xxxx



Why do People Commit Suicide?

Steve Rose PhD

“All I do is suffer each and every day. Every moment is pain or numbness. How long can one go without pleasure. I guess these will really be my last words.”
– Arthour’s suicide note from Edwin S. Shneidman’s Autopsy of a Suicidal Mind.

“It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing.”
– AshKaay in What is depression like?

Suicide is not a “cowards way out,” nor is it the result of someone being “crazy”. Rather, it is a desperate attempt to escape intense mental pain when hope of relief is lost. This post will hopefully dispel some of the stigma surrounding suicide and shed light on why some people are driven to commit suicide, but it is not meant to be a comprehensive description of all cases. The types of suicide I discuss in this post are based in states of anxiety and depression, and…

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Myths About Suicide

My son was the smartest and most bravest person I have ever met.

Steve Rose PhD

Suicide is one of the most stigmatized acts, yet those who die by suicide are those who needed our assistance the most. This post will debunk some of the common myths about suicide, based on the research of Thomas Joiner in his book Myths About Suicide.

Popular myths are that people who commit suicide are cowardly, selfish, or impulsive; but in fact, Joiner has demonstrated just the opposite. People who are most at risk of dying by suicide are actually less fearful (hence the opposite of cowardly), unselfish in their perceptions, rational in their preparation, and conscious in their decision.

Those who die by suicide are not cowardly. In fact, those who have completed suicide are those who are least fearful since they were able to overcome the brain’s survival mechanism based in the amygdala. The desire to commit suicide, as previously talked about, is fundamentally produced…

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One left in a box of four

Tags

child loss, depression, grief, love, ocd, suicide, suicide prevention

Most  days I get up and go about my day 

I go to work I smile at the kids, the parents and my work mates, I tell them that I am ok I am coping.

And I am

Until the little things 

It is the little things that hurt the most, like going to the shops and walking past your favourite foods that I will never buy again, or getting to the bottom of an item I brought when you were still with us and there are more and more things we are getting to the end of. 

The more time that passes the more I need to replace things.

I still haven’t used up all the milo, you were still alive when I brought it, there is still ice cream in the tub, and the last time I had some I made some for you too, but I’ve nearly run out of sugar and will have to buy some more soon, sugar you will never use.

I can’t bring my self to throw away the things only you ate and some of them haven’t even passed the expirey date yet.

I broke down because we were having hamburgers for dinner and there was 1 left in the box, 1 left because we normally need 3, 1 for me 1 for Zay and 1 for you.

It occurred to me there will never be one left in a box of 4 again.

Love you Jett xxxx